Someone finally asked me the question… Zombies vs. Vampires, who wins? As an addendum to the previous post, here is my take on this relatively new question.

First off, the rules I laid out in the Zombie Apocalypse article stand for the zombies referenced in this post; supernatural reanimated flesh, not a brain virus.  Second, vampires referenced here follow the rules of Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” in accordance with U.S. traditional preconceptions, not sparkly Mormon vampires.

Vampires hate zombies. Why? Because a zombie is dumb, dead, destructive, and dry. Most important of that list is “dry” as it indicates the zombie’s utter uselessness to vampire kind. A vampire would seem to be a hero in the zombie apocalypse as they would have none of elements that inherently attract zombies or the fear attached to the concept of dying. The vampire would want to help save human kind in order to continue eating. I know it’s a bit obvious but we humans lose no matter who wins.

Zombies couldn’t care less about vampires. Since vampires are also dead they have none of features zombies perceive as food and since zombies can’t remember things it leaves the vampires free to do whatever they want. What movies rarely overtly show is the attraction of zombies to any loud noise, even their own. That said, as long as vampy vampire stayed quiet he could freely walk the za streets with no fear of consumption… assuming he wasn’t dying of thirst.

So who wins in Zombies vs. Vampires? Aliens. After all life on earth is consumed in one way or another, strip-mining the planet benefits nonresidents only… that is, until the ninja assassins who have trained secretly in mountain caves sneak aboard E.T.’s ship and murder him in his sleep, never to resurrect again.

In this scenario pirates are irrelevant as the ninjas just pirated a flying saucer… yup. You’re welcome.

Posted from Droid